{"id":1670,"date":"2016-10-05T17:46:05","date_gmt":"2016-10-05T17:46:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/behavioural-therapy.com\/?p=1670"},"modified":"2023-05-13T10:54:24","modified_gmt":"2023-05-13T10:54:24","slug":"control-what-you-can-and-ignore-the-rest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/behavioural-therapy.com\/?p=1670","title":{"rendered":"Control What You Can and Ignore The Rest"},"content":{"rendered":"

I’m sure you’ve heard\u00a0the Serenity Prayer? It goes like this:<\/h2>\n

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”\u00a0<\/em>Basically control what you can…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Reinhold Nieburh came up with it around 1934. The Stoics were preaching\u00a0that basic idea… oh…\u00a0about 2000 years earlier<\/em>.<\/p>\n

The Stoics were really big on control. But they weren’t control freaks at all. A key part of Stoicism is just asking yourself: “Can I do anything about this?”<\/p>\n

If you can, do it. If you can’t… then you can’t. But worrying achieves nothing but stress.<\/p>\n

What the Stoics are saying is so much of what worries us are things that we have no control over. If I’m doing something tomorrow and I’m worried about it raining and ruining it, no amount of me stressing about it is going to change whether it rains or not. The Stoics are saying, “Not only are you going to be happier if you can make the distinction between what you can change and can’t change but if you focus your energy exclusively on what you can change, you’re going to be a lot more productive and effective as well.”<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Here’s a quick visual to help get the point across:<\/h2>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

So, next time you’re worrying, pause and ask yourself: “Do I have control over this?” If you do, stop worrying and get to work.<\/p>\n

If you don’t have control, worrying won’t make it better. And going back to the first point, it might be a good idea to ask yourself what your belief is that’s causing all this worry… Yup, it’s probably irrational.<\/p>\n

So\u00a0sadness, anger and worrying are irrational responses and\u00a0they’re not the right way to react when things happen. So what\u00a0is\u00a0the right way to react to stuff\u00a0that doesn’t meet your expectations?<\/p>\n

Accept Everything\u00a0\u2014\u00a0But You Don’t Have To Be Passive<\/h2>\n

This is the bit\u00a0everybody has trouble with. Nobody likes the word ‘accept’ \u2014 we think it\u00a0means ‘give up’ \u2014 but it doesn’t.<\/p>\n

Let’s look at it this way: what’s the\u00a0opposite<\/em>\u00a0of accept? Deny. As in ‘denial’ \u2014 and nobody ever recommends denial.<\/p>\n

Albert Ellis<\/a>\u00a0told people they’d be much happier if they removed\u00a0the word ‘should’ from their vocabulary. ‘Should’ is denial. You’re saying your expectations deserve to override reality:<\/p>\n